Don't Do Drugs
by bruisedfingers
Summary: Neji and Gaara get married. After some things go on, why is Neji puking everywhere? [TOTAL CRACKFIC] [OroSasu,NejiGaa, and many more] [pwnage of characters and mpreg]
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Obviously, I don't really write in RP mode (not that I RP like this, either) or anything like that. This is obviously a crack fic. XD I found this from a year or so again, and said, eh, what the heck. :P**

/it was a day of a wedding in Konoha and everyone had tomatoes ready at hand\

Orochimaru the Priest: Neji do you take Gaara as your lovely beloved wife?  
neji: I do  
Orochimaru the Priest: and do you, gaara, take Neji as your uhh...crazy pyschotic husband?  
gaara: yes  
Orochimaru: i am skipping the objections part cuz i will be squashed with tomatos so you may now kiss the one-tailed demon  
neji: i dont do that kind of thing -.-  
Gaara: wah

/they run outside neji carrying gaara and instead of confetti hitting them tomatoes hit them\

Gaara: Just like how i thought my wedding would always be like n.n ...wah  
Neji: -.- thinks to self: this is what i get for losing a bet  
Gaara: LETS GO HAVE MAD DIRTY SEX  
Everyone: o.o  
Orochimaru: comes out WAIT I MUST INSPECT THE AUDIENCE!  
Everyone: o.O okay?  
Orochimaru: -pokes everyone but gets to Sasuke and grabs him- He's a virgin..he cannot be here  
Naruto: BUT IM A VIRGIN  
/crickets\  
Orochimaru: ...-runs off with Sasuke-  
Sasuke: o.o NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO  
Itachi: well there goes my toy -looks at Kisame- ...make me a sandwhich  
Kisame: wah

/after Neji and Gaara have mad dirty and completely consensual sex and sasuke gets raped by orochimaru...\

Neji: -.- my ass hurts  
Gaara: I WAS SEME FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE, YAY!!  
Neji: not next time  
Gaara: wah  
Kisame: why am i here?  
Neko: konbanwa :D  
/crickets\  
Neji: ..JACKIE MADE A TYPO OF MY NAME AGAIN DIDNT SHE  
Gaara: ...i think she did  
Jackie: STFU -Stab-  
Gaara: wah  
Neji: sex  
Sasuke: IM STILL BEING RAPED HERE  
Jackie: omfg YAY -runs off to watch OroSasu-  
/crickets\  
Neji: DAMMIT SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE WRITING THE STORY  
Gaara: -takes out pen- I guess I'll have to write it myself  
Jackie: -comes back- OH GOD NO  
Gaara: why not?  
Jackie: IF YOU WROTE IT NEJI WOULD BE SUICIDAL  
Gaara: wah

/and now off to the real story...\

/a year later\

Neji: -.- crap...inuyasha was cancelled  
Gaara: -is in a housewife dress cleaning the house- oh well maybe it'll be on saturday  
Neji: maybe..i hope so..stands up NOT AGAIN -goes to bathroom and barf-  
Gaara: -cries- STOP TRYING TO MAKE YOURSELF SKINNY  
Neji: I'M NOT BULIMIC -passes out on bathroom floor-  
Gaara: I guess we should get you to a doctor then..-.-

/doctor's office\

Dr.Nagasake: GRRRR NURSE MY GLOVES ARE TOO BIG  
Nurse: sorry Doctor Nagasake  
Dr.N: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR  
Gaara and Neji: -walk in- o.o hello there Doctor..  
Dr.N: hello ...  
Gaara: uhm there is something wrong with my husband o.O we came for a checkup  
Dr.N: oh yes oh yes sit down uhh...Hyuuga Neji  
Neji: meh -sits down on that evil counter thingy-  
Dr.N: You're symptoms are...Vomiting...Moodyness...Femininicy...  
Neji: THAT'S NOT EVEN A WORD  
Dr.N: it is now! Anyways..Odd food cravings...  
Gaara: -coughflashlightwithtunaplusmustardonitcough-  
Neji: WAH GAARA MADE ME SAD  
Dr.N: o.O Sudden Mood changes  
Neji: YOU SUCK  
Dr.N: ...i must run a few tests..gaara please step out  
Gaara: wah -steps out-

/a couple tests later\

Dr.N: -comes out- gaara i have some very strange news  
Gaara: yes?  
Dr.N: It seems that Neji has all the symptoms of pregnancy  
Gaara: O.O and the tests..?  
Dr.N: say he's pregnant  
Gaara: O.O ...how did this happen  
Dr.N: ...i dont know...  
Gaara: ..sperm?  
Dr.N: -nod- yes  
Gaara: i see u.u  
Dr.N: soo..did he get raped?  
Gaara: no but my friend Sasuke got raped by a pedophile perverted snake n.n  
Dr.N: ...get out of my hospital  
Gaara: O.O -takes neji and runs off-

/home\

Gaara: now that you're pregnant with my baby I will not allow you to hurt yourself..so no masturbating!  
Neji: wah  
Gaara: now take this medicne it'll make you pass out  
Neji: WTF  
Gaara: TAKE IT NOW DAMMIT -Stuffs it down Neji's throat-  
Neji: ACK -passes out-  
Gaara: -drags him to the bed and flops him on it- Night neji n.n**A/N: End of the stupidest first chapter you've ever read. XD**


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Sorry. The urge to right more astounded me. XD This isn't as crack-induced as the first one.. well, sort of.. but yeah. Not as creative, I guess? O.o I don't own "Charlie the Unicorn", Naruto, Viagra, buttplugs, the dancing banana, "Daddy Wasn't There", and whatever the hell else needs a disclaimer in there. Warning for EXTREME crack and stupidity. Do not blame me if it melts your brain cells /neji awoke later in a daze\ Neji: -wakes up later- uh… dumdah.. moo? Gaara: hey neji… hey neji wake uuuup Naruto: yeah neji you silly sleepyhead, wake up Neji: -sighs- oh god you guys.. this'd be pretty freakin important.. is the village on fire? Gaara: no neji, we found a map to candy mountain. Candy mountain neji Naruto: yeah neji! We're going to candy mountain! Come with us neji Neji: yeah, candy mountain, right… I'm just gunna, you know.. go back to sleep now Gaara: nooooooo neji –starts bouncing on him- you have to come with us to candy mountain Naruto: yeah neji candy moutain.. it's a land of sweets and joy and joyness Neji: please stop bouncing on me 

Gaara: CANDY MOUNTAIN neji

Naruto: yeah candy mountain

Neji: alright FINE I'll go with you to candy mountain

Naru & Gaa: la la la lal alalaalalalaaaalalalalalaa

Neji: enough with the singing already!!

Gaara: our first stop is over there, neji

Neji: .. oh god.. what is that?! –looks at giant dinosaur thing-

Gaara: it's a leoplurodon neji

Naruto: a maaaaagical leoplurodon

Gaara: its gonna guide our way to candy mountain

Neji: Alright guys you do know that there is no candy mountain right?

Gaara: shun the nonbeliever

Naruto: shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnn

Gaara: shuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuunnnnnnnnnn

Neji: …………………yeah

Leoplurodon: -makes weird noises-

Gaara: it has spoken!!

Naruto: it has shown us the way!!

Neji: it didn't say anything!

Gaara: its just over this bridge neji

Naruto: this magical bridge of hope and wonder

Neji: is anyone else getting like covered in splinters? Seriously guys we shouldn't be on this thing

Gaara: neeeeejjiiii, neeeeeeejjjiiiii, neeeeeeeejiiiiii, neeeejjj—

Neji: I'm right here what do you want??!!?!?!

Gaara: we're on a bridge neji

Naruto: we're here!!!

Neji: well whatd'ya know there actually is a candy mountain

Gaara: candy mountain candy mountain! You fill me with sweet sugary goodness

Naruto: go inside the candy mountain cave neji

Gaara: yeah neji! Go inside the cave where magical wonders behold when you enter

Neji: yeah uhhm… thanks but no thanks.. I'm gonna just stay out here

Naruto: but you have to enter the candy mountain candy cave neji!!

/suddenly, the "y" gets off of the candy cave comes down and starts to sing\

Y: _oooh when you're down and looking for some cheering up_

_Then just head right on up to the candy mountain cave_

_When you get inside you find yourself a cheery land_

_Such a happy and joy filled and perky merry land_

_They've got lollipops and gummidrops and candy things_

_Oh so many things that will brighten up your day_

_Its impossible to wear a frown in candy town_

_It's the mecca of lovely candy cave_

_They've got jellybeans and coconuts with little hats_

Candy rats, chocolate bats, it's a wonderland of sweets 

_Buy the candy train to town and hear the candy band_

_Candy bells it's a treat as they march across the land_

_Cherry ribbon stream across the sky and to the ground_

_Turn around it astounds it's a dancing candy treat_

_In the candy cave imagination runs so free_

_So now neji won't you get into the cave _

/the "y" goes back to its original place\

neji: alright fine!! I'll go into the freakin candy cave.. this'd better be good

gaa & naru: yaayayayayayayayaa…..

gaara: goodbye neji

naruto: yeah, goodbye neji!!

Neji: Goodbye.. what?? –door closes- Hey whats going on here.. –footsteps are heard- hello..?? who is that..?? –banging sound-

/later, neji awakes in the grass\

neji: ow.. oh god.. what happened? … ugh, they took my freakin kidney!!

/suddenly neji awakes and looks around, surprised to find himself with two kidneys and not anywhere near candy mountain\

neji: oh my god.. that was a horrible dream.. these stupid pregnancy pills are giving me the weirdest dreams –holds up pill bottle-

gaara: honey.. those are viagra pills xD

neji: oh.. uhm. Shit?

Gaara: I see … very intriguing

Sasuke: I got raped .. again

/later at a random festival\

shikamaru: someone ate a lot of cheese…

neji: ………… what?

Shikamaru: you look fat and cheese is bad and full of fatnessity "

Neji: uhhhhhh…. It is?

Shikamaru: yes.. it is.. fatass!

Neji: wah :

Lee: free buttplugs!! C'mon and get your free butt plugs!!

Neji: butt plugs?? Don't those give you prostate cancer??

Lee: well.. it might… they aren't REAL butt plugs.. they are actually lead no.2 pencils.. but.. uhhh… yeah..

Neji: .. you freak .. get out of my festival

Lee: -sobs and runs off- NO ONE LIKES MY ARTIFICIAL BUTT PLUGS!!

Neji: … -takes one that fell and puts it in his pocket- … shhh

Sasuke: -comes up dressed as a cow- moo

Neji: double you tee eff

Sasuke: I thought that if I dressed as a moo moo my brother might notice me

Orochimaru: … hiiiii sasuke…

Sasuke: oo

Chouji: I IS HUNGRY.. –sees cow- OH EM EFF GEE BEEEEF –attacks Sasuke and eats him whole- yay yumminess of beefness yay xP

Neji: … uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh kay then

Banana: -appears- ITS PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME, PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME…

Gaara: -stabs banana- you have disgraced my people!! Prepare to be anihilated! –stabs again- x33

Neji: ……………………………………….uh

Gaara: hog babies

Neji: your mom's a hog baby!

Gaara: -cries and runs off- MY MOMMY NEVER LOVED ME!!

Sasuke: -from stomach- daddy wasn't there to make me to the fair!! Daddy wasn't there to change my underwear.. when I was first baptized, when I was criticized, when I was ostracised, when I was Jazzercized, STEAK AND KIDNEY PIES, when I was modernized.. WHEN I WAS CIRCUMCISED … daddy wasn't there

Neji: … get over it el oh ol!! Sasuke: -sobs and dies- 

Everyone: DING DONG THE BITCH IS DEAD THE WICKED BITCH, THE BITCH IS DEAD.. DING DONG THE WICKED –

Neji: vagina!!

Everyone: .. is dead?

Suigetsu: I love sippy cups

Karin: I love sasuke

Juugo: I LOVE NAKED MEN

Everyone: ……

Juugo: .. what?

Sasuke: this calls for random threesome

Karin: YAAY

Sasuke: .. I said threesome, karin

Karin: wah

Sasuke: c'mon guys let's go on a secret mission to go kill my sexy attractive orgasm-inducing brother!!

Suigetsu: sounds sexy

Sasuke: no he's a bastard

Suigetsu: .. uhm … alrighty then.. it sounds like you just want to be with him though

Sasuke: SHUSH I DO NOT SUPPORT INCESTUAL RELATIONSHIPS

Juugo: suuuuuuuuure

Sasuke: shush you!

Juugo: -shuts up-

Karin: penis D

Sasuke: SAI COPYCAT!!!!!

/wherever team 7 is\

Sai: -appears out of Naru's pants and sneezes- someone is talking about me

Naruto: …double you tee eff why were you in my panties sir gasalot??

Sai: because you turn me on baby

Naruto: okay… well… UHM

Sakura: sasuke still loves me.. sasuke still loves me… dammit I know he still loves me!!

Kakashi: funny… I didn't know he loved you at all

Sakura: SHUT UP HE LOVES ME!! –stabs him-

Kakashi: … that was a toothpick.. you are still weak

Sakura: -sobs- ITS NOT MY FAULT I'M JUST HERE SO THE GIRLS WHO WATCH NARUTO WILL HAVE SOMEONE TO MAKE WEIRD PAIRINGS OF THAT ARE ACTUALLY HENTAI AND NOT YAOI!!!

Kakashi: it also gives them hot yuri

Sakura: duhwha?

Kakashi: ino x sakura forever!! –takes out InoSaku doujin- yaay that's my OTP

Sakura: ………. –dies-

Kakashi: ding dong the bitch is dead :B

Naruto: oooh yeah sai.. a little more to the left –drool-

Sai: okay –continues his back massage-

Kakashi: .. my team .. consists of idiots.. x3

Yamato: not me because I'm only here temporarily tehe!

Kakashi: ………………………………………………………. Uhm

/back to neji and gaara, since we have been avoiding the topic of neji's mpregnancy lately…\

neji: I am FAT

gaara: no kidding

neji: …….. stfu

gaara: tehe

END

.. or is it?

Well, when jackie gets her fat ass off the chair. .wait.. that is how she writes these.. well, once she gets unlazy enough… she'll write more

Jackie: AND THAT IS THE WAY THE COOKIE CRUMBLES XB

Neji: damn you

Jackie: -eats- :B yaaaay yummy sexy neji

Okay, this is the end.

Seriously.

Go away!!


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: .. And why I still update this.. Only God will know xD

Neji: I decided, Gaara, that we are going to visit our good friend, Sasuke

Gaara: .. Who?

Neji: that kid with the pokemon symbol on his back, dumbass!!

Gaara: oh ……………… why?

Neji: because I said so!! Deal with it fag face!!

Gaara: fag ankle :[

Neji: your mother is a cock!!

Gaara: -gasp- … -cries- YOU HURTED ME

/ somewhere in a random desert area.. /

Karin: ohmmfuguh! I lyke rote d1s karisasu fix yesterdai and it was soo hawt it wasn't even lyke fuckn hot man!!! we gotz it oooon

Suigetsu: ur a nub

karin: bitch plebez!!

suigetsu: thatz what your mom said last night lololololololol

Sasuke: you know, you guys are quite the unintelligent beings. you're very incompetent at understanding anything, and so you just merely stare at me and that makes you deranged. You are completely mentally challenged and I feel you should see someone to help you with your lame retorts and remarks.

karin: ...

suigetsu: ... that was quiet teh muothflu!!!!11 i'm sure u r usde to dat kidn of thign

Sasuke: Oh, I see what you've done. You've taken everything I just said and converted it into a sexual joke, implying that I suck cock.

suigetsu: lolololololololololol pwn3d

Sasuke: Go suck a cock

Suigetsu: thtz wut ur mom sed lats nihgt hahahahhahahahahahahahhaa

Karin: WTF is this, Master Chief and Arbiter????????

Juugo: I LOVE NAKED MEN -twitch.. twitch-

karin: o.o anyway i decided that i'm married to sasuke so yeah we r all happy now

Sasuke: omgwtfbbq no wai

karin: yes wai

Kisame: HEY GUYS WAZZUP

sasuke: zomg not that loser :[

suigetsu: shit

kisame: HOWS IT DIGGIN

sasuke: stfu no one says that anymore

Kisame: ..

suigetsu: own3d

Kisame: STFU i rape j00 mom!!!!

suigetsu: ... -cries- but you're my uncle!!!!!!!!!!!

kisame: oh.. shit

sasuke: WTF DO YOU WANT YOU FISHIE WISHIE?? .. teehee.. fishie.. wishie... :

kisame: .. yeah you're definitely a fag.

sasuke: stfu cokc suckre!!!11

kisame: uhh itachi is like masturbating in that chair and-- ... where did sasuke go?

suigetsu: i think i saw him flash by us to where u were pointing

kisame: o.O that's not ghey

juugo: MEN.. WOMEN.. WHO DO I CHOOSE -twitch twitch-

karin: awkward silence

/ masturbating throne.. /

sasuke: i will kill j00!!

itachi: hold on i need to cum ...

/ 10 seconds later /

itachi: okay let's fight

sasuke: SCORE

itachi: -fight.. kick ass-

sasuke: -fight.. losing-

sasuke: -jumps and stabs- ROFL OWN3D

itachi: .. -points to real itachi-

sasuke: -turns- OH YOU LITTLE SHIT FUCKER D;

itachi: mwahahaaaa now watch me masturbaet to paris hilton porn!! MWAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

sasuke: noooez you are strahte!!!11

itachi: yes it is tru.. i is strate and b3tt3r at teh l337 thn u

sasuke: I HATE YOU -hides behind throne and stabs- bwaahaa ;D

itachi: oh alas.. i am merely a spoiler bwahahahaaa!! RAW VERSIONS SUCK:

/ in heaven.. /

deidara: are you sure we're in heaven..?

sasori: yeah.. i know, at least tobi isn't here

tobi: -randomly dies- HEY SEMPAI!! HEY GUESS WHAT!! GUESS WHAAT! -glomps-

deidara: NUUUUUUUU

/back with neji and gaara /

neji: i feel fat a licious -dances on a pole-

gaara: o.o does this make me seme : -hopeful-

neji: ... -bitchslaps and rapes-

gaara: NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.. at least it's a hot crack pairing!

neji: just like your mother and your dad!!!!!

gaara: STFU I WAS THE MISTAKE U FAG!!!!!

neji: -pimp's-

sai: penis D

neji: o.O ... you're such a fuckin fag

sai: u liarrr!!!!!!!!1 wait shit i'm monotone.. i mean.. You Liar.

neji: wtf was that. are you PMSing??

sai: Slightly. :[ .. -Sobs- not as bad as that gutless little homo sasuke!!!!!!

/somewhere else ... /

Sasuke: ACHOO -sniffs-

Orochimaru: -snuggles to Sasuke- are u okay dearest?

sasuke: errr yeah... i'm fine o.o

/ back to there /

Jackie: SAI KNOWS EVERYTHING

and this has officially been about four pages of wasting away the pathetic lives that you call lives, where you fags cut yourselves to feel good and dance in your thongs to make yourself feel good about yourself and dream of barney coming into your bed and raping you at night!!

you nasty perverts!

i hate you all

LOVE JACKIE YOUR FAVORITE AUTHOR EVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Neji: guess what gaara

gaara: what?

neji: i heard that jackie cancelled kidnapped..

gaara: WHAT!!! THAT IS LIKE MY BOOKMARK 500x!!!!!!!!!!!11111

neji: i noez

gaara: o rly

neji: ya rly

gaara: srsly?

neji: srsly

gaara: ... shit ..

neji: ya i no it sux0rz like u rofl

gaara: stfu pregnant man

neji: ... ass

gaara: pffffffffft...

neji: i also heard that she's going to make more fanfictionz tho w/ like better riting and that she appreciates all the good reviews that she has found on her site

gaara: zomg my favorite part was when jiraiya said he was gonna tame oreo!!!!111 teehee

neji: .. why did i marry u

gaara: U LUV ME D

neji: ... -throws tomato-

OKAY SRSLY WE'RE DONE NOW

orochimaru: o rly?

me: ya rly

orochimaru: srsly??

me: srsly

orochimaru: zomg thatz sexy .. if only u were a boy.. with pale skin.. and black hair

me: o.O daaaaaaaaaaamn

orochimaru: teehee

me: b/c my lip gloss be poppin my lip gloss be cooooo

orochimaru: ALL THE BOYS KEEP JOCKIN THEY CHASE ME AFTER SCHOOL!!!!

me: ... u no wut, i'm not even askin

orochimaru: giggle

OKAY NOW THIS HAS BEEN LIKE FIVE PAGES...

SO GO AWAY!!!

WHY ARE YOU STILL READING THIS??

ARE YOU WAITING FOR A RANDOM LEMON??

YOU ARE AREN'T YOU!!

YOU LITTLE PERVERTS!!!

GEEZUM GO GET A LIFE

Neji: -Rapes Gaara-

THERE YOU GO.. ASS


End file.
